I came across the scar of the cut on my wrist and it left me wondering about all those moments I had with you and without you. I can never explain what it felt like growing up without you. Whenever I needed you, I was all alone. You were never there, Mom. Neither to fix my hair, nor to comfort me on my first period or pack my tiffins to school. You never showed up for my birthdays or attended my school functions or went shopping with me. You weren’t there to read me bedtime stories and make me sleep peacefully in your lap. I always had an emptiness where you should have been.
You never saw my tears, all those lonely nights I cried. You never knew my dreams, my thoughts, my favorites, or anything about me. Not days, not weeks but years have passed by without you here anymore. When I see other girls laughing with their moms, I envy them. I long for all those mother-daughter things. And you know what Mom, the moment you left, I lost my dad too. No one knows how hard it is for your own father not to love you when you’ve lost a mother.
Since childhood I have kept all the things to myself, ain’t got anybody to share. Every problem, and I faced it on my own. Mom, do you know that I topped my 10th grade? Do you know that I have an entire showcase filled with awards? Do you have any slightest idea why I committed a suicide and have been in depression since so long? I’ve got cut scars all over. Do you know I skip meals and don’t even get enough sleep? I have post traumatic stress disorder because of the things I have lived through. See, I have so much to share.
It could have perhaps been way better if you were here. These years without you have been really difficult to live. I cried, I tried suicide, I screamed.. did you hear? No! coz you were never around. I try to look forward to the future but I am still trapped in those painful memories of the past that haunts me every now and then. Yes, you could have stayed instead of making things more worse and it hurts to see that I wasn’t enough of a reason to hold you back.
You have hurt your little girl. But hey Mom, I have been smiling hiding these tears behind in front of everyone, trying to be brave. I keep lying to myself and others that I’ve gotten over you and your absence don’t really matter, but it does. And how much? only I know that. They say time heals everything but for this, it doesn’t. It still hurts. After all these 15 years, I still break down, I still cry for you, but no one seems to care.
My feelings for you are so dumb, sad, angry, upset, trapped and what not. You can never make up for this pain that has been within me for this long. My life has been hugely affected by these, but you’re still unknown. You were supposed to be with me, encouraging me and protecting me, but you left me out Mom. But still if I could get one thing I wished, it would be you. Though you could never make me feel what having a mother is like, on this Mother’s day, I heartily wish you be the happiest wherever you are and hope you remember me and our blur memories together.
Happy Mother’s Day!
– An unfortunate daughter.